Shit My Dad Says (shitmydadsays)
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"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
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“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
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"YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there." (Book On Sale Today!) http://tinyurl.com/yc79h4l
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"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
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“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.”
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"I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.”
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"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants."
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"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"
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"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole."
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"Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. Fucking. Copy. Mine's free." http://ping.fm/ryBbS
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"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
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"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
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"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
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"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
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"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
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"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."
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"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
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"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
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"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."
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"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
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